Elbows Out

Hello you,

Christmas has arrived at the Klotz/Nash household! It may have taken an entire day of errands, and "just one more stop" spoken multiple times through gritted teeth, but it's here!

For those readers who have their own children, this post is to give you comfort in knowing you are definitely not the only parents out there experiencing mall phobia around the holiday season. For those readers who have no children; I feel for you. I see you trying to blend in to the elevator or bench beside me, silently praising yourself for consistently using Birth Control. I remember what it was like to be you; cherish your sleep.

In order to have an upper hand during a family outing, you need to keep your own demeanour in the neutral zone. Children are like dogs; they sense your fear and uneasiness around expensive items that are within arms reach. They can also smell out food vendors within a 50 foot radius, "I'm Hungry" being whined every two seconds ( they aren't sure you've heard them) I'm unclear of other children's eating habits, but I could feed my boys a five course meal only moments before going to the mall and they're still hungry. (you've gotta be kidding me... you just friggin' ate!!) Sure, I've read all the parenting books telling me to "stand my ground", if you say no the first time, you need to stay consistent. Obviously these delusional people have never been stuck walking through Chinook mall at a tortoise pace, pushing through crowds, trying jeans on with all three kids in a change room meant for one, and constantly reminding everyone to use their "indoor voice". There are days that a bag of Kernels popcorn or a cookie by George can save your life.

It is important to remember that the moment never lasts. Your "little angel" might be screaming on the floor of Chapters, or hiding in the racks of Target, but just remember that eventually you will be walking out that door, headed home (to pyjamas), alive! For those of you stuck in that specific elevator, or sitting beside that noisy, rambunctious litter of children, remember... they aren't yours!

Does anyone have any advice for keeping errands quick, and easy? Meltdowns to a minimum? Or perhaps a horror story of a trip to the mall gone wrong? Stories of hope from those who have mastered leaving their house with smiling children, to return home incident free? Please feel free to post and share your stories!

J.K.